take me back to dear old blighty

Conquest of the Irrational

2005-09-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

I’ve had enough of America. I can’t take it any more.

So, I’m flying back to the Motherland for the weekend.

The only problem is that I’ve developed a flying phobia. On take-off and landing my palms start sweating, my heart palpitates, my pupils are like saucers. I know it’s mental, but I can’t help myself. That, afterall, is what a phobia is.

After a furious web-search to try and cure myself I ended up none the wiser. BUT, I did find a whole selection of weird and wonderful phobias of other people.

I guess it can always be worse…

“Fear of people reading your mind” – shudder – can you imagine!! I’d be in jail by now.

“Fear of gravity reversing itself” – It would be cool, as long as you were inside at the time. It would be like the video to Lionel Rich-Tea’s “Dancing on the Ceiling”. And that can’t be a bad thing!

“Fear that everyone is the world is an actor and you’re the only one not in on the joke” – The only cure for this one is to wear a tin-foil hat, like any normal person.

“Fear of a Black Planet” - 911 is a joke- yo!

“Fear of spontaneous human combustion” – It can happen, allegedly. According to the men in tin-foil hats.

“Penis-Panic” – This one is too weird! It’s a well-documented mass phobia/hysteria where all the men think their penis is shrinking/melting into their bodies. I recommend studying the wikipedia link- just don’t catch the fear.

Thanks to Ben for putting me onto some of these fears and also for potentially providing the solution to all our problems. The people at “Probable Future” seem to have the cure to all our phobias – “You will soon be walking around in a permanent state of increased bilateral Theta or Delta brain waves alike a Zen or Yoga Master, in fearless joy because you will have mastered the superpowers of the Mind and be consciously creating-as-you-go your reality !”

PS. But seriously, if anyone has any hints on how to cure myself of my flying panics please let me know.

Horror

2005-09-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

The events I've watched unfold in New Orleans over the past week have sickenend me to the core.

What kind of government allows this post-apocalypitc situation to exist whilst having the means to stop it? A government who proclaims themselves "Christian", "civilized", "defenders of freedom"?

Is this all just rhetoric?

Is it just because the victims are poor and African-American? How many days has it taken for the media to even hint at what was so obvious from the pictures?

It illustrates clearly the terrible fact of American life: without money you're worthless to society.

He say, “Yes”....

2005-08-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

Do you remember “The Man from Del Monte”?

He was a character featured in a series of adverts for the Del Monte fruit company.

The adverts were all variations on a common theme. The scene is a sunkist tropical fruit plantation. The natives are anxiously gathered with their most juicy and succulent fruit ready for the arrival of “The Man”.

On the horizon a helicopter or perhaps a Rolls Royce appears, which delivers “The Man”. He emerges dressed in a linen suit, his face mysteriously hidden by a hat. He approaches the fruit, takes a deep bite, pauses, and announces “Yes”. The natives burst into jubilation- their livelihood safe for another season.

As a child I never thought much about these adverts- but aren’t they actually quite dodgy?

Who is this anonymous and sinister “Man”, who holds the native's lives in a word? Isn't he just a bit the “white-devil” colonial exploiter? Is this the image a fruit company would want to promote? Its hardly fair-trade!

I'd love to watch these adverts again. I don't suppose anybody has them on an old VHS?

Alright, mate?

2005-08-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

I just spotted this article on BBC

Its about the etiquette of using “mate” as a greeting. Apparently, an Australian civil servant complained when a guard used “mate” to address them, instead of “sir/madam”. Much to the consternation of John Howard and his cronies who counter; "It's part of the Australian vernacular. It's a term of endearment and of mateship.”.

This struck a chord with me, as together with “cheers” it’s a term that often confuses Americans when I say it.

So here’s a brief users guide….

1. It’s a great way to say hello:

“Alright, mate.”

2. To emphasize surprise:

“Mate! You’ll never believe…”

3. Or just express mateship:

“Mate”.

Not to be confused with “mate”, the South American tea favoured by Gauchos, or “mate”, the act of copulation leading to children.

So L.A.

2005-08-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I had to run an errand.

My destination was two blocks east, two blocks south from my apartment. About a 10 minute walk.

My first thought was to walk to my car two block aways and drive there. Probably would have taken 20 minutes, especially accounting for parking.

But then nobody walks in L.A. and apparently I've gone native.

Where the wild films are...

2005-08-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

I've just started a new blog called "Where The Wild Films Are"

It's a browsable list of my favourite films. The blog structure is based on Simon's manipulation of the Blogger software.

The list is only small right now, but I'll be adding to it over time.

If you think there's a film that I might like or you have an opinion, please post a comment and let me know!

Meaty Delights

2005-07-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Did you ever see “Soylent Green”?

It’s a dystopian sci-fi film from the 70’s starring Charlton Heston. The film is about a massively overpopulated future where meat and vegetables are prohibitively expensive and everyone has to eat something called “Soylent Green”. This foodstuff for the masses has an unpleasant secret ingredient (Hint: It’s long-pig).

I dread to think about futures like this. Meatless futures.

In all likelihood meat will indeed become a luxery item, so in the meantime I’m going to eat it like crazy. Here are some of Los Angeles’ fleshy highlights…..

1. Manpuku: Japanese Izaka-ya style BBQ. The meat comes to you sliced and raw, which you then cook on a large hob in the middle of the table. The tongue is especially good!

2. Baby Blues BBQ: I always order the same thing- Carolina-style pulled pork with mac n’ cheese and beans as sides. Then I cover the plate in their hot sauce and start shoveling. The tender pork just falls apart in your mouth.

3. El Taurino: Mexican taco spot in Pico Union. Again, I never change my order: al pastor burrito with two carne asada tacos. The restaurant is right next to K-town, so there’s always 10% Koreans in there aswell. Classic L.A.

4. Echigo: Sublime sushi. Little pieces of heaven that leave me feeling good about the world (as long as I don’t think about the tuna).

5. Aroma Café: Bosnian cafe with fabulous mini-sausage kebab things called cevapi. Meaty stuffed peppers/cabbage are also tasty. They have sourcream called kajmak which you can stick a fork in.

Angry Young Man

2005-07-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

I’m so PISSED-OFF right now.

I just got another parking ticket, and it was absolutely unfair, as I was perfectly innocent. I know incessant parking tickets are just part of life here and that everyone gets them...

But everytime I get one, I’m filled with the most terrible, venomous anger towards traffic wardens.

What’s their problem? They know how they make me feel. Why do you make me think these thoughts!?! It's a dangerous game you play, warden.

I want to find Mr. Warden giving me a ticket and crack him over the back of the head, stuff him into my rather small boot, drive him out to Long Beach, strap him to one of those oil pumps and leave him bobbing in the July sun to bake to an unpleasant, dessicated death.

thy_fate_awaits_you_warden

Seriously, I’m one ticket away from homicide.

And another thing…

If you’re the kind of person who chews gum in the cinema, you’re no better than a traffic warden.

I went to see a really good film last night- which was ruined by the hag sitting behind us who chomped the whole way through the film. It was like having a beast of burden chewing the cud in my ear. Profoundly irritating.

What’s wrong with people today?!

Beef Wellies

2005-07-06T11:36:00.000-07:00

Remember the days when most of the map was pink and the sun never set on the British empire?

Alas, those days are no more (though of course I’m not advocating colonialism).

As you probably know, the loss of the American colonies is celebrated here every year, on the 4th July.

I wasn't sure if I ought to celebrate the 4th July, so I opted for making a traditionally English dish for Kathy- a dish named after the famous naval hero of Waterloo, the 1st Duke of Wellington. The dish, as you may know, is the beef Wellington.

We made mini-Wellingtons, but in its normally larger size the dish may have been named after the long-boot also bearing the Duke’s name. A beef Wellington consists of tenderloin steak wrapped in pastry with a mushroom/pate paste smeared between. We left out the pate and instead used a mixture of chanterelles and shallots. It was a meal fit for Aristocracy.

wellies
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

Dad-Joke

2005-07-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

My Dad just sent me this joke- and it made me laugh, so....

"On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together.

One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for thefarmer, but to no avail, For he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new 635 csi black BMW. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life! The donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.

And the moral of the story?

littledonkey
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick."

Francophobia

2005-06-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

Aren’t the French horrible?

And nowhere more horrible than in these superb horror films. I love the French villains in these movies- they’re cerebral, pensive, meticulous and utterly psychotic. Each of them maintaining an outward veneer of normality to society, whilst simultaneously planning and performing acts of unspeakable evil… and they all drive Citroens. Creepsville.

The Vanishing (Spoorloos) 1988
A brilliant French/Dutch film from George Sluizer. The victims are Saskia and Rex, an innocent Dutch couple road-tripping around France. Raymond is a psychotic Frenchman with a sinister beard and even more sinister plans. A large part of the film shows in compelling detail Raymond’s development as an evil-man. The abduction occurs at a service station; places that I’ve always felt were deeply creepy. I’m not going to spoil the end, but the fate of Saskia and Rex is horribly disturbing. It stays under your skin for weeks afterwards. Note that the 1993 Hollywood remake should be avoided at all costs for its detestable happy ending.

theunluckycouple
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

Eyes without a face (Les Yeux Sans Visage) 1959
Doctor Génessier, a respected plastic surgeon, is in fact another devilishly fiendish frog plotting horrible acts. His daughter’s face has been disfigured in a car accident, causing her to waif around their spooky country house in a spooky mask. More abductions, more horrifying ends for the victims. The scenes where the Doctor lifts off the face of a young victim really made me wince. I recommend the new Criterion dvd release which also has George Franju’s 1949 short documentary “Le Sang des Bêtes”. It’s a graphic, but mesmerizing tour of Parisian slaughterhouses. The synchronized veal slaughter is really very creepy.

mask
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

Man Bites Dog (C'est arrivé près de chez vous) 1992
OK, it’s not French- but evidently the Belgians are made of the same horrific material as their neighbours. Blackly comic mockumentary following the exploits of local serial killer, Ben. A highlight is the hilarious battle between a rival serial killer, who also has a camera crew.

ben
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

evil genius in a 635

2005-06-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Simon for sending me this excerpt from the mystery book he's been reading.

As you can see, my car is a villain's car.

635 villain
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

Peev Time

2005-06-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

Ah, the joys of being an academic. Getting to wear a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. Working to flexitime. Strolling around a beautiful campus to the sound of bells tolling.

Yes, what could be more scholastic than the sound of the university bell-tower ringing midday?

Unless it's actually a recording of bells ringing midday...

Check out the bell-tower of Powell Library. Pay attention to the absence of a bell and the presence of large speakers.

I mean what else do they have in there? Fake books with blank pages?

dudewheresmybell?
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

The Glorious Undead

2005-06-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

I really really love horror films. One of my favourite types of horror films are zombie flicks. Here's a brief appraisal of some of the classics:

1. Night of the Living Dead
Pioneering zombie flic, a classic of the genre. It starts with a lone zombie meandering around a graveyard. The young couple think the zombie is just a fellow mourner until he starts trying to eat them! Cue an excellent prolonged chase as gradually more and more zombies appear, trapping them in a farmhouse... strange end to it aswell. The zombies look great in black and white. I often wondered where the image of the zombie came from- the stagger, the disheveled appearance, the rigid outstretched arms.

2. Dawn of the Dead
Sequel to the original also directed by George Romero. This time in vivid colour, the zombies are green/blue/yellow. The four survivors escape a zombie-infested Philly slum to land their helicopter at an isolated mega-mall. After purging the mall of the undead they enjoy the conforts of consumerism- new outfits everyday, plush apartment, preserved luxery fruits. Kindof cheesy social 70s commentry but images of zombies staggering round a shopping mall still hilarious.

3. Bodyparts
Excellent film directed by Eric Red (also co-wrote Near Dark, one of my favourite vampire films). A criminal psychiatrist loses his arm in a car crash and recieves a grafted limb from a recently executed mass murderer. Naturally, the new arm takes on a violent life of its own. Brilliant shots of him packing a bag and his hands looking different.

4. Reanimator
Medical student experiments with a serum capable of bringing dead tissue back to life- with massive zombie consequences. Excellent gore and really brilliant zombies. I love the scenes in the hospital mortuary.

5. The Evil Dead (I,II and III)
Whatever happened to Bruce Campbell? Checkout Evil Dead II and try telling me that Bruce didnt deserve to be an all-conquering superstar. My favourite scene is when the evil force infects Bruce's hand, which proceeds to attack him- really superb slapstick. The scene just gets better when Bruce amputates the hand, which then runs away! Other highlights include Bruce putting his zombified girlfriend's head in a vice and applying a chainsaw; the excellent roving camera shots through the forest and any scene involving the cabin basement/trapdoor.

The Beastmaster

2005-06-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who shall remain anonymous, lets call him Phil Lee. Phil has been looking after a dog for his housemate.

Phil lives in Austin and its been raining a lot. One night the dog was out in a rainstorm and was covered in mud when it came inside. Phil was in his dressing gown and knelt down to clean the dog.

Naked underneath the dressing gown, Phil's john-thomas was exposed. The dog's head was in the right place and gave the tip of his manhood a quick lick.

Phil swears it was unprovoked, apart from all the bacon juice he put down there.

http://www.fleetie.demon.co.uk/images/cute_baby_bunny.jpg

Freudian Slip-Road

2005-06-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a horrible dream.

In the dream I was exploring a Californian beach on a motorcycle. At the beach I met a pirate who gave me a lot of rum, which he was smuggling. Drunk, I left the beach on my motorcycle.

The next thing I knew I was approaching a round-a-bout. These junctions don't exist in Los Angeles and I was scared, especially as it was going the wrong way round. I panicked and fell off the motorbike. After regaining my composure I went round the round-a-bout and pulled up at a roadside kiosk, relieved to be in one piece.

The woman at the counter then asked me to blow into a breathalyser- she was an undercover cop! Knowing I was about to be caught DUI I awoke in a cold sweat, terrified.

What does it all mean!!?!

Discipline

2005-05-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

My brother just reminded me of a whole load of unique turns-of-phrase that my Dad used when we were growing up. They are especially memorable to us as they usually meant that we were in trouble!

I’m frying an egg

The response given when we asked Dad what he was doing, usually a spot of DIY.
Eg. Dad is fixing the toaster.
Me “Dad, what are you doing?”
Dad “I’m frying an egg.”

It’s like Picadilly Bloody Circus

On entering and leaving a room in which Dad was relaxing, this comment would be made. It compares the room to the congested and noisy junction in London.

It’s like Blackpool Bloody Illuminations

If we left the lights on in unoccupied rooms Dad would compare the house to the popular and windswept seaside resort on the North-West coast of England. Blackpool is famed for spectacular illuminated decorations along the promenade.

Glories of the Mothertongue

2005-05-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

For my American friends, who may not always understand what I say, here’s a glossary of my favourite British slang:

Taking the piss - Making fun of someone

Having a slash - Having a piss

The bog - Where one goes to have a slash

Going for a Jimmy - Rhyming slang for a Jimmy Riddle – A Piddle, a pee

Going for a Tommy - Rhyming slang for a Tommy Tit – A shit, a poo

Seeing a friend off to the coast – See “Going for a Tommy”

Pissed-up - Drunk, not angry

Having a kip - A spot of shuteye

Fit Bird - An attractive member of the fairer sex

Dirty stop-out - One who has spent all night in someone else’s bed, and is still wearing the same pants

Pants - Underpants! Not trousers!

Rough minger - A deeply unattractive member of the opposite sex

On the pull - Engaging in pursuit of the opposite sex

Getting your leg over – Success! in the bedroom department

A bit of hows-your-father – More success in the bedroom department

Cock-up - A mistake, usually disastrous

Ball-ache - What the consequences of a cock-up usually are, a pain in the arse

Bobs your Uncle - Literally, “Hey presto”. (Of mysterious origin)

Naf - A thing that is rubbish

Faffing about - Wasting time

Gasping for a fag - Desperate for a wheeze on a cig

If you spot any glaring omissions email me and I’ll include them.

For a more extensive and vulgar list consult Viz’s Profanisaurus

Love of tea

2005-05-18T11:57:00.001-07:00

Adjacent to my bedroom I have a little room whose designed purpose is unknown. It’s too small for a bed. You could squeeze a desk in there if you wanted, but it’s real purpose, I suspect, was for drinking tea in. In the afternoon the sun sets directly into the room, through the straw blinds and onto my languid self as I lounge, drinking my third pot. It’s in these gorgeous moments that I think of absolutely nothing and allow myself to relish the sensation of being saturated with tea. Here’s a picture of my Dad, showing how it’s done:

Huntington
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

P.S. Hi to the blue 635 that overtook me going over the hill on the 405, sorry I missed your wave. Also, hello to the 80’s M 3-series on the 134; thanks for the salute, you know who you are.

Not a Star-Wars fan blog

2005-05-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

635
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

As I walking home after another exhausting day at the coal-face of scientific progress, I was dismayed to find my route blocked by a film premiere, which is by no means an uncommon inconvenience in Westwood village. But, something was different- it was the StarWars premiere! And the LucasArts moguls had blessed us with a whole fleet of Hollywood hopefuls decked out as our favourite characters from a galaxy far far away. I was particularly impressed by the the Chewbacca, excellent wookie hair, though R2D2 being wheeled around on a trolley was a little lame. Overall, an enjoyable diversion before Thursday night pintage at my local sports bar. And no, this doesn’t count as a StarWars queue blog, as my attendence was entirely accidental.

635
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

darth
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

Shepherd's Pie

2005-05-06T15:25:00.001-07:00

Shepherds
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

A few weekends ago Simon and I had a Shepherd's Pie cookoff. One of the staples of British cuisine, it basically consists of lamb and veg with a creamy potato crust. Yum.

To spice things up we used different recipes; I went with Delia's (I spent long enough in Norwich to develop a loyalty), whilst Channers went with the British Meat Education Service's recipe. The key differences were the cheese and leak topping suggested by Delia versus the BMES's bubble and squeak topping. Hard to go wrong with either and both turned out to be heart-warming stodge.

Feel the love

2005-05-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

When I bought my car a little over two weeks ago, I had no idea the outpouring of public affection it would recieve.

Two days ago I pulled onto Wilshire off the 405 and a rather dirty white Camry drew alongside me. The slighty cracked-out guy behind the wheel started waving at me and beckoned for me to lower the window. Apprehensively. I lowered the passenger side, wondering whether I was to be a new freeway shooting victim? No, he just wanted to express his raspy admiration for my lovely BMW:

Cracked-In-Camry "Hey Dude, that's a sweeeeet car man!"
Me "Err, thanks."
Cracked-In-Camry "Yeah man, looks like a James Bond car or summin'."
Me "You knows it."

Then today, after an exhausting drive across town, I pulled into the stripmall on Fountain and Vine to sample the delightful Supertortas. Once parked, a burly Russian chap sauntered out of Crispy Co Pizza and approached my car. After I gave him a suspicious look he announced in a thick Eastern Bloc accent, whilst stroking his beard:

Boris "This is a claaaaasic car. You will sell it to me?"
Me "Glad you think so. But actually I only just bought it."
Boris "May I ask how much you pay?"
Me "Um, about $6000."
Boris "This is incredible. Come back here when you ready to sell, I give you top dollar."
Me "OK, dude."

Keep the love coming Los Angeles.

Big-up yourself, Channers

2005-05-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

Angelenos visiting this site should certainly follow this link to fellow scientist Simon's (aka Low End Theory) blog:

Low-End Restaurants

Simon's blog is a Borghesian labyrinth detailing his extensive research on Los Angeles restaurants. Searchable by cuisine and neighbourhood, there's no better guide to the wonders of LA food.

She who will not be scratched

2005-05-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

635
Originally uploaded by DrIRH.

As promised a picture of the new motor:

1988 BMW 635csi
aka la negra

She's having a little cosmetic surgery at the moment. Her suspension has been lowered to spark-flying levels. So, Zoro in the 818 is seeing if he can sort her springs out.

She may have seen more than a decade of freeway, but there's still plenty of strength under the bonnet.

Take me back to dear old Blighty.... again!

2005-05-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

After the demise of my last blog, (or the demise of my attempts to post anything), I've opted for a change of scene and moved to blogger.com.

I'm pretty sure that if I pull my socks up this can be "The Best Dear Old Blighty Blog In the World..... EVER!"

So to kick thing off here's a new list of my five favourite things from Los Angeles:

1. My new 1988 BMW 635csi (soon to feature in it's own post)
2. My girlfriend, Kathy (not necessarily second to the BMW)
3. Sunshine and palm trees
4. Tacos (from a truck)
5. Driving the 635 past palm trees in the sunshine with Kathy in the passenger seat, whilst eating a taco. Somehow this equals more than the sum of the parts. Emergent pleasure.

As lists are easy posting fodder- here's another; the five things I miss most from the Motherland:

1. Pints of ale (which, for the American reader aren't "warm", just around room temp)
2. The family Henderson (not necessarily second to the ale)
3. The Beeb
4. Pub gardens in the sunshine (a rare pleasure)
5. Fish and chips, curries, Sunday roasts and the full English breakfast (British Soul Food)

More to follow soon.. possibley